Thursday, February 18, 2010

Darkness and some perspective - It's a rant with a lesson

Life throws a curveball when you least expect it. And then things start piling up. By things I mean news...bad news, some just a setback, and some other shit. And not just any shit. Shit shit.
It's weird. One week you think you're on top of the world. The next two weeks seem to be a bungee jump into the gutters.

First, MBA results kinda sent me into a semi-self induced depression since I haven't yet made it to a final list. I don't even know whether that is the line I should follow. I'm mentally wired for a completely different profession, one whose scope I don't even know. Either way, results scored major mindfuck points for two whole weeks and didn't seem to get better with time.
Then the whole my-life-is-going-nowhere episode started. In my head. Sometimes mental conversation is a bitch. I swear, that voice in your head never seems to shut up, especially when you're trying to make it. With so much shit swirling in your head like a big gunk of goo, it's a wonder I can carry out conversations with anyone without drifting off.

There's a darkness that swells up within you. It starts right from the time you feel "grown-up", halfway thru your teens. I have that. And it grows with each negative experience, each negative thought, each fight or quarrel, each cruel intention. Sometimes, it gets overwhelming. I imagine hitting a wall, breaking things. Sometimes picking up a fight just so I can break a nose.

I've had people telling me to give it time. I've had people telling me it's gonna be okay. Hell, I've dished out free advice like this more times than I care to recall. Still, it's always easier when you're not on the receiving end of it. Not even on the giving end. Coz if you're giving tension, you're Goddamn sure to be taking some major tension yourself.

Anyway, all this feels so heavy to me. Like it's the end of the world. It's easy to feel that way, especially when you're keeping all these thoughts to yourself, like I am, coz I don't wanna worry anyone. But as they say, Stop feeling bad for yourself because there's always someone who has it much worse. I know someone just the same.

My cousin's been in the ICU for the past eight days or so. MAJOR car accident. A truck rammed his car from the side. I don't remember the specifics, but multiple fractures, temporary coma, brain damage...it's bad.

When you know someone who's battling for his life, it kinda puts things into perspective. We weren't that close. Heck, we barely met. But I know the guy. He's family. And that's more than enough for his condition to be stuck in my head. He's finally started responding, but they say it's touch and go. No guarantees.

I pray.

I don't wanna rant too long, it's shit for your guys to read, but it's shit I'm dishing out of my system so that I can have a clear head. And trust me, it feels good already. I don't like to post rants, or anything too serious...still, I shall post this, so that I can remember, sometime in the future, the thoughts that run through my head now. Seeing things clearly becomes easier if you can remember.

5 comments:

Dewdrop said...

Shit Happens! more often than we like and more frequently than we expect. Giving advice is easy (I KNOW!) and receiving it is equally difficult. Yet, such is life and its the darkness before the dawn of a bright, sunny day. Believe it and hold this thought close. This too shall pass. God Bless...

Abhinav said...

I hope your cousin gets well soon...!!

won't comment on anything else..!

Alisha said...

Arre Shaun...Don't get too worried.it's this phase:)...I'M going through it and know quite a few others who are as well...

As for not knowing whether an MBA is your thing..you wouldn't till u actually got into it...and then it's either 'thank god!' or 'shit happens, can't do anything bout it for now atleast:P'

i for one KNOW you're gonna be great at an MBA...once that's in hand, you could probably start up something which your mind is wired for! just a matter of a few years here or there re...eventually u'll end up where u want to:)

as for now...just try and stay cheered up about the thing.Something or the other is bound to work out!:)

hoping things work out for for cousin as well...

peace:)

neversaydie said...

Take a bigger leap dude , MBA is just a crapload of books with no take away but a paper degree. The way you write is a great read, you are bound to be a great novelist or script writter. Think about it !!!

Shaunak Mukherjee said...

Good part is, I kinda found a way around...my mind's wired for advertising...so now, two years after I posted this, I'm a post-grad from MICA, a degree that gives me access to the world I wanna live in.
Win win at the end of it :D